


oh, i hope someday i'll make it out of here

by nico_neo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cutting, FTM Jaemin, Insecurity, M/M, Other, Self-Harm, Trans Outing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, written in lowercase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-06 00:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19051594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nico_neo/pseuds/nico_neo
Summary: jaemin held jeno’s gaze, who was alternating between looking at him and looking at the road. jeno squeezed his hand and intertwined their fingers.on usual, jaemin would have enjoyed the feeling, maybe he would have blushed. but right now, he wasn’t feeling anything.feeling too numb to feel something.“jaemin.” jeno called him. “please don’t hurt yourself again.”





	oh, i hope someday i'll make it out of here

**Author's Note:**

> you probably all don't care about my life but all of what is written here is what happened during the week and i don't know i just needed to write it i guess.
> 
> jaemin was my proxy for this, sorry baby.
> 
> also, it's written in lowercase, i didn't feel like doing a ""tidy"" work with capital letters and all
> 
> and it’s tag nomin but,,, squint really hard

if you asked jaemin, it all started the weekend before. when he had the same conversation with his dad,  _ again _ and  _ again _ .

“are you really sure you don’t feel like that because of a hormonal imbalance? your mother told me you stopped your treatment, why didn’t you go to the end of it?”

because it wasn’t suitable to me, i tried it because it was  _ if  _ i wanted to, but mom almost forced me. i took it for a year but now i’m sure i don’t need it, end of the story. and no, it’s not a hormonal imbalance, i know what and who i am.

that was what jaemin wanted to say. but the only thing he mustered to get out was “it’s not.”

and when he thought his dad would let the subject go, he spoke again.

“you are a bit blinkered on this subject, aren’t you? you’re stuck to your idea. Jaemin.”

at the mention of his name, he looked up to look at his father, wide-eyed.

“that’s how you’re calling yourself, right?” 

when jaemin nodded, feeling hopeful, the little hope that was blooming in his chest was crushed down with a single sentence.

“i don’t like it.”

the only thing he could do was to narrow his head and blink the tears away.

“we’ll talk about it, another time. you can go study.” his father dismissed him, getting up from his chair to make himself another coffee.

jaemin didn’t waste a minute and almost ran up upstairs, keeping his tears at bay. feeling way too dumb to have hope for something.

of course his mom - his parents were divorced - would have tell his father. in a way, he was thankful because he didn’t know how to announce it to his dad… but on another hand, he hoped it would have gone better.

and now, here he was. with a mom liking his name but being his denial about his identity. and a father, who didn’t like his name and was convinced jaemin’s gender identity was just some dysfunctional brain’s schemes. 

he locked himself in his room, sitting on his desk chair and loosing his gaze on his huge school folder, that only waited to be open for jaemin to study. he was starting exams tomorrow, having  _ this  _ talk less than twenty four hours before it really wasn’t something he needed.

before he opened the folder in front of him, he took his phone out of his pocket and searched  for a contact.

_ had a talk with my dad. _

_ he doesn’t like my name, haha. _

once sent, he turned his phone silent and threw it on his bed, at the other side of the room.

he never saw jeno’s answer.

  
  


( _ your name is beautiful, jaemin. If he can’t see that it’s his loss. _

_ what’s the point of having a name if you can’t even use it properly?) _

  
  
  


he got back at the dorms on sunday evening. saying hello to all the girls he met on his way to the third floor. he walked up the long hallway until he finally reached his room. he entered, plopped his bags on the floor and only got out to go to the toilets and fill his water bottle.

after an hour, or maybe more, he heard a knock on his door. spinning around in his chair as the door opened, a black-haired girl poked her head in his room. and jaemin was instantly smiling.

yerim was here.  
  
  


 

on tuesday, he had a free day, his exams only restarting the day after. and he spent his whole afternoon studying with yerim for their law exam for the morning after. they spent so much time on it jaemin didn’t know what time it was when they heard a knock on yerim’s door. one of the girl from the floor entered in, asking them if they were managing to study.

she stayed a bit, talking with yerim about a girl -who had a crush on jaemin a few months ago- while he was busy trying to remember all of his definition on his law summary.

the girl called his name.

his deadname.

he could only mentally grit his teeth. he wasn’t openly out, only a few people knew. he couldn’t blame the girl for using a name he didn’t want to hear anymore.

so, he simply lifted his head to look at her, curious. the girl was fidgeting with her hands, and she seemed uncomfortable.

“what’s wrong?” jaemin asked.

“jiyeon told me about you.”

jiyeon was the girl who had a crush on him, and who jaemin personally couldn’t bear anymore. jiyeon was also one of the only who knew about him. because jaemin thought it would be fair for her to know he wasn’t what she thought he was. 

but he didn’t expect her to share it with someone else when it was supposed to stay private.

“what?” he could only croak out.

the girl gulped, nervously.

“well… she told me… she told me about you being transgender.” she explained. “i personally don’t mind because it’s your private life and I don’t have a problem with you being who you are. she told me she didn’t know if she had to call you he or she… that she didn’t know how to act…”

“what the fuck?!” yerim yelled. “who does she even think she is?!”

“i know! i was just like… i don’t care why are you exposing people’s private life like this?”

the two girls kept on arguing but jaemin couldn’t hear anymore at this point. the only thing he could feel was disappointment.

fear.

disgust.

he wanted to throw up.

“i’m fucking going to end her.” yerim raged.

jaemin couldn’t stand up. even though the only thing he wanted to do was to run away.

  
  
  


later in the evening, jaemin left yerim’s room and was going to the little living room of the floor to try and eat something. he saw yerim, jiyeon and the other girl living the floor to go smoking outside.

before stopping to the living room, jaemin locked himself in the safety of his own bedroom.

jeno.

he needed to call jeno.

on the first ring, jeno answered

“she outed me.” jaemin said before jeno could even say hello.

  
  
  
  


when yerim came back, she came back with donghyuck, the third person he told at the dorms. donghyuck was literally risking his ass being at the girls floor, but when yerim told him, he literally said fuck it. 

he wanted to slap some bitch. 

he and yerim guided jaemin to his room. donghyuck sat on the bed next to him while yerim was taking the desk chair. but before they could recount him what happened, yerim asked:

“does chayeon know?”

chayeon was hyejin’s - the girl who told jaemin jiyeon outed him - friend. and a few minutes before yerim came back, chayeon told him she knew as well. because hyejin was feeling too overwhelmed, so she had to tell to someone. chayeon told him she didn’t care as well. but that wasn’t easing jaemin. all the contrary, even.

so, he just nodded, explaining to yerim what the two girls told him. yerim sighed and ruffled her hair.

“you know chayeon can’t keep her mouth shut?”

jaemin just lowered his head, and sighed.

he felt like he was going to throw up.

donghyuck wrapped his arm around his shoulder, running his hand up and down his upper arm. 

yerim told him everything she said to jiyeon. how she told her to not going near him for the next week, if it’s not forever. how she broke the semblance of friendship they had. yerim told him how jiyeon cried too, and how she didn’t even comfort her. 

and jaemin couldn’t even feel guilty to not show some empathy to jiyeon.

he felt disgusted and betrayed. 

they still talked for a bit after that. well, mostly donghyuck and yerim. yerim kept repeating how she couldn’t approve of that. 

 

yerim left first, because she wanted to talk to chayeon and hyejin, while donghyuck stayed with jaemin.

without jaemin had to ask, donghyuck made them lay on the bed, his arms wrapped around jaemin as the honey-haired hid in face in his neck, the tanned-boy fingers running in his hair.

“just know i don’t approve that at all, and that she better not be in my line of vision for the next weeks or i might just slap her or something. ugh, mark would kill me for saying that.”

that made jaemin chuckle, but it was half forced.

“we are with you, always remember that.” donghyuck added, hugging jaemin tighter. “did you tell jeno?”

jaemin nodded against his friend’s neck. 

of course he told jeno.

the other was pissed, he even wanted to come over and give jiyeon a word himself. jaemin knew jeno was capable of doing that, he was only a ten minutes ride away anyway. but jaemin told him not to come.

“it’ll be okay, i promise, nana.”

jaemin really wanted to believe him. but right now, everything seemed fucked up.

“shit.” donghyuck said, looking at his watch. “it’s almost ten, if i’m not back at my floor soon, johnny will have my head.” he kissed jaemin’s hair and got up slowly, looking at jaemin laying form. “you’ll be alright?”

jaemin nodded.

“yeah… i’ll go showering maybe that’ll clear my head.”

“okay, love you.”

“love you too.”

and donghyuck sneaked out of the room after checking no girls were on the corridor.

jaemin sighed, turning to lay on his back and rubbing his temples with his fingers. he sat up and his eyes fell on his pencil case on his desk. he got up to grab it and sat down on his bed again. he rummaged through the case until he got out his scissors. he put the pencil case away, only looking at the scissors. 

his gaze alternated between the pair of scissors and his left arm. until he opened the scissors and lead the blade to his arm, not thinking twice. and he started scratching the skin.

it was not the first time he was doing this. he already did it during the weekend, after the talk with his dad and after sending a message to jeno. 

he only did it once during the weekend.

but now, as he kept on scratching the skin until it was bleeding, he did it again, and again.

the cuts weren’t that deep. but the little waves of pain he was feeling every time he scratched up and down were feeling great on the moment.

as he saw how little deep he was going, he wanted to laugh.

he was such a coward.

too much of a coward to die, but as much as a coward to live.

that’s how he could sum up his life.

when the sting became enough, jaemin looked at his inflated arm, where seven little cuts were now displaying.

  
  
  
  


he saw jeno the next day. and even though he didn’t want to talk about what happened, he couldn’t hide anything from jeno.

so the other eventually saw his arm.

and jaemin knew how disappointed the other was. so he voiced it out loud.

“i know you’re mad. pretty sure you’re disappointed right now. i won’t even be surprised. don’t mind me, you don’t need the negativity i’m bringing.” jaemin said, looking everywhere but at jeno.

if jiyeon was disgusting him, he was disgusting himself.

but jeno didn’t agree, taking jaemin’s hand in his own that wasn’t holding the steering wheel. jaemin lifted his hand to look at him. jeno had this soft gaze on his face, but jaemin could also see the sad look in his eyes.

but jaemin knew it wasn’t pity.

jeno just felt sad because he couldn’t help jaemin in the way he would like to.

“you’re not a burden to me. you’ll never be. i’m always, and i’ll always be here for you. and i’m not mad. i couldn’t be mad at you. i’m just… sad i can’t help you and take your pain away. i just want you to know that i’m always here for you. always.”

jaemin held jeno’s gaze, who was alternating between looking at him and looking at the road. jeno squeezed his hand and intertwined their fingers.

on usual, jaemin would have enjoyed the feeling, maybe he would have blushed. but right now, he wasn’t feeling anything.

feeling too numb to feel something. 

“jaemin.” jeno called him. “please don’t hurt yourself again.”

jaemin lowered his head, looking at his right hand on his lap.

he couldn’t promise jeno that.

he couldn’t even promise himself he won’t do it again.

**Author's Note:**

> the words jeno tells jaemin were told to me by someone i really appreciate, so i just wanted to thank you again (you'll recognize yourself ~)
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/niconeo3)  
> [curiouscat](https://t.co/e1UnChL5kj)


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